Rounding the Wagons

Its easier for me to write this than to hear it said aloud so I apologize if this suprises a few of you or seems too personal. I'm sorry if you didn't hear it from me in person first but really its hard for me to talk about. I debated whether or not to make this part of my life public. But since this blog is really my journal and most of you reading are such dear friends I decided to let it all come out. A few years ago my dad found out he had Prostate cancer. My siblings and I decided to all fly home for a weekend and support my dad. A friend of my mom's told us that we were "rounding the wagons". As the pioneers traveled west whenever danger arose the families would "round the wagons" to create a circle of safety and support. This weekend I feel that it may be time to round the wagons again. My dad will find out today if the likely cancer found in his colon has spread to his lungs. Ever since the word cancer entered our family's vocabulary I always convinced myself that I would not let my mind to think of the worst or to cry over things that may never happen. Somehow I tricked myself into thinking that only when death was certain would I allow myself to truly grieve. I have filled my life with distractions and kept most of my emotions locked inside for fear of not being able to retrieve them once I let go. I called my dad on Father's Day only to catch my breath as i heard him cry for possibly the 2nd time in his life. All of a sudden I felt so helpless. I had no idea what to say to my dad. Through my sobs all i could say was, "I'm sorry that you're sad". This past week I think I've cried a little each day. Mostly I cry for sympathy for my dad. I feel horrible that he has to go through all of this. I felt so aweful on Sunday that Daniel and I decided that the only thing we could think of that might offer some comfort to my dad would be to bring two little things that I'm most proud of in my life, my kids. Sunday we head off for the 35 hour drive to celebrate or comfort the news from today's surgery. When I told Kolby that papa was sick he looked at me with confidence and said, "I will pray for him and then he can get better". Today we pray and fast and just wait. I felt strongly in the temple yesterday that no matter the outcome , just as the pioneers declared, "all is well".